Fun with Lily, James, Mr. Gilbutt, Harby, Jill....
by Mrs. Norris1
Summary: Title's too long...History has been changed and Harry's parents are back...and he's got a rabid sister as well! Can Harry survive his new life with Jill, a visit from Harby, Mesh Man, Mr. Gilbutt...read and find out! Laugh-out-loud insanity!


Welcome, all, to the equally hilarious sequel to "Harry Potter and the Magical Garlic Bread of Time Travel"! There is absolutely no need to read the first one because they are both absolute nonsense.

Just a fill-in: In the first fic, Harry and Ron are sent back to the night of Harry's parents' deaths by some magical garlic bread. They are able to prevent the murders by singing a song and throwing an evil chicken at Voldie's face, killing him forever. They were transported right back home to their regular time, but now Harry's parents are back and nothing in his past is the same!

Warning: This fic is incredibly funny. It is also one HUGE inside joke between me and my messed-up family, so you will not get some of the stuff here, but you will probably think it's very funny.

So, this is for my family, especially Maggie (Maggot, Margo, Marg, Magrat), Jill (Bill, Jillian James), Jay (Jaybo the Gaybo, Mesh Man), Andrew (Roon, Mildew), Katie (Katie B), and Jack (Jack the crack, yes that is your new name!)

Enjoy!

Harry Potter and his Adventures with his Parents, Mr. Gilbutt, the Harbormaster, Mesh Man, and Many Other Odd Folk

It took Harry quite some time to get used to having his parents around. It was like picking up a book and starting to read it from the middle when you'd only read the first page so far. It was also strange to have Sirius Black and Remus Lupin around constantly. Harry had alarmed Remus the first time he'd seen him in the kitchen by calling him "Professor Lupin". Apparently, he had never been a Professor. Or perhaps only a lil bit.

But above all, it was even harder to get used to having a sister.

Harry came downstairs for breakfast two weeks after his garlic bread adventure, with two weeks of the summer holidays left. Jill was already at the breakfast table, as was his father, who was reading the Daily Prophet. Harry really did look remarkably like James, particularly because James didn't look a day older than 20. Lily was standing over the stove as she did every morning, cooking breakfast the Muggle way. Harry could hear the noise of sizzling bacon and he felt a familiar rush of relief that he wasn't the one cooking it.

As Harry sat down next to her, Jill growled at him. 

"Don't growl at your brother, Jill," said James, not looking up from the paper.

"Big fat slug," Jill muttered at her father. James said absolutely nothing in response.

Harry just sort of stared at his sister in disgust then looked away.

"What's the matter with you, ya Thievin' Varmint?"

"There's a new one," said Lily sarcastically. Jill called someone a Thievin' Varmint at least 30 times a day.

"Can't you leave me alone for two seconds?" said Harry in annoyance.

"I'll eat your liver," said Jill nastily.

Harry just stared at her for a minute, then looked down at the plate that his mother had just placed down in front of him. Four pieces of perfectly cooked bacon and buttered toast sat on the plate, the delicious aroma wafting up towards his nose.

"Thanks," he said automatically as his mother passed plates to everyone.

"Why have you been saying thanks every morning for the past two weeks? Are you feeling all right, you've been acting weird lately," Lily asked, feeling Harry's forehead.

"I'm fine," he said.

"Liar, liar, you're lying!" yelled James out of the blue. Everyone stared at him, then went back to eating.

"Fart out," said Jill.

Harry suddenly remembered something and decided to ask his mother about it. "Mum, I'd forgotten to ask youer, how are the Dursleys?

Lily Potter dropped her fork with a clatter.

"Harry, you, uh, you haven't seen them since you were two, and, well, we don't really.about them much"

_Ok_, Harry thought, _how much better can this get? I am living a completely Dursley-free life, I have my parents back and_

Harry's thoughts were broken, however, when a huge black dog bounded into the room, knocked his father over, and turned into a very handsome man.

"You retard!" said James to the man.

"Don't call Sirius a retard, James," said Lily, not even looking up from the magazine she was reading, "How to Deal Evil Children."

Sirius whispered something to James, who laughed mischievously, and they trotted off to the other room together. Finishing his meal, Harry gave an almighty belch.

"Oh yes, Harry, Ron owled early this morning, he wants you to come over today as soon as possible. His mum says Jill is perfectly welcome as well," said Lily, taking Harry and Jill's plates to the sink where they began to wash themselves.

"Yes!" said Jill. 

"No!" moaned Harry.

"Aunie!" cried Jill.

"Shut up!" yelled Lily.

Jill came to the Burrow anyway. Harry was now quite used to using Floo powder, as that's how he got to Ron's house, which he went to nearly every day.

The Burrow was exactly the same as it had always been, as were the Weasleys, and Harry was glad none of that had changed. But only he and Ron knew of the incredibly events that had happened before everything had been changed. They talked about the old days a lot, wondering how things would be at school once they got back.

The only differences were that Ron, of course, no longer had Pigwidgeon and Percy did not work for Mr. Crouch. Ron did, however, have a horribly ugly cat named Mr. Magoo.

Hermione was at the Burrow today as well; she was spending the week there.

"What shall we do today?" she said when Harry her and Ron in the kitchen. Jill had scampered off to find Ginny, as she always did at Ron's house.

"I was thinking we could go look for Mr. Konka," suggested Ron.

"Who's Mr. Konka?" said Harry.

"Who bloody well knows? My parents are always going on and on about him."

"We could play manhunt," suggested Hermione.

"You idiot, it has to be dark to play manhunt," said Ron, rather disgustedly. "Besides, we're not allowed to play it. We haven't been since the time we were playing and Percy got caught snogging some chick in the bushes a few years backfound that out a few days ago."

Hermione looked astonished; Harry just laughed. 

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley suddenly went waltzing by with martinis in their hands, singing quite loudly, "Ta ra ra Toonie Time! Ta ra ra Toonie Time!"

Ron buried his face in his hands as his mother and father exited through the kitchen door and into the garden. "My parents are so incredibly strange."

"Yes," said Harry and Hermione simultaneously in agreement.

"That would make a good name for a boat though," Ron said, contemplating the idea.

"What?" asked Harry.

"Tooney Time," said Ron.

They looked at him strangely and stepped away slightly. 

"I'm sure Fuddy would be willing to sell us one of his," Ron continued, and, seeing their confused looks, said, "You know, the Fuddy-Duddies, those weirdos that live across the street."

Ron and Hermione stepped away slightly again. 

Jill and Ginny entered the kitchen now. Jill announced, "We're going to the beach. Get ready now." Then she ran off down the hall, screaming like an enraged stanky weasel and singing, "Pup pupparoni, pup pupparoni, yeah!"

Everyone seemed to be in a singing mood that day because Ron, Hermione and Harry all burst into song. 

Ron was singing, "When the last eagle flies, over the last crumbling mountain and the last lion roars at the last dusty fountain, in the shadow of the forest, though she may be old and worn, look and see how she sparkles, it's the last unicorn"

Harry began to sing, "Something is startingright now! Something is starting.oh wow! My little poniesMy little ponies, my little pony tales!"

And Hermione was singing, " I am golden and freeI am golden and free...and the unicorn stands at the edge of the lake and she is golden and free."

"Yes" said Harry when they were all done. "Let's go to the beach!" So they all got their babum soups (bathing suits, maillot de bains, etc.) on and prepared to walk to the beach which was, as Harry had never known, just five minutes away from Ron's house.

The entire Weasley family (minus Bill and Charlie, of course) plus all the Potters (Lily and James had arrived) and Hermione were set to go to the beach and were waiting at the edge of the driveway. Ginny and Jill were carrying floaty noodles and were pretending the noodles were dinosaurs, when a fat, shirtless man who appeared to be either drunk or mentally retarded walked up to Mrs. Weasley and began screaming at her. Harry, Ron and Hermione moved closer to hear what he was saying.

"And I've been trying to take a nap, but this one's over here screaming like a stuck pig!" He pointed a gnarled finger at Jill, who just kind of looked at him like he was insane, which he most likely was.

"Um, who _are_ you?" asked Mrs. Weasley timidly.

"I'm your neighbor, fool!"

This was rather odd, as the Weasleys didn't really have any neighbors for miles, except, of course, the Fuddy-Duddies, and this man was no Fuddy-Duddy.

"What?" said Mr. Weasley, dumbstruck.

"I AM GILBUTT!" screamed the man.

Everyone ducked, as a large amount of spit had come flying out of the old man's mouth.

"What?" said all 12 people.

"Actually, I am Mr. Gilbutt," he said.

"Look, Gilbutt," said James, marching forward. "You seem like a reasonable fellow. A bit mental, true, but a reasonable fellow. But guess what? We have absolutely no clue who you are, so unless you want to be as dead as the old sea captain who everyone thinks is buried in the Girl Scout camp but really isn't, you really should leave."

"What?" said Gilby.

"Ok, that's it!" roared James. "Let im have it, Percy!"

"Huh?" said Percy stupidly.

"Clang, clang, clang went the-" sang Lily, who was quite close to Percy.

"Oh, oh yeah!" said Percy, whose name was suddenly changed to Roon as he began to sing, "Clang, clang, clang went the Torley!"

Lily smiled and continued, "Ding, ding, ding went the-"

"Beww," Roon finished, pronounced the l' as a w'.

"Zing, zing, zing went my-" Lily sang sweetly.

"Hott tings!" said Roon excitedly.

"And the moment I saw him I-"

"Feww!" said Roon, clapping his hands. His name then changed back to Percy. A strange girl walked by saying, "I like ranch."

A cricket chirped somewhere, but nothing much else happened.

"OK, was that supposed to do something?" said Mr. Gilbutt.

"Yes, actually," said James, puzzled. "Well, I suppose it's better this way. Bye, Gilbutt."

Mr. Gilbutt barely had time to say, "Huh?" before James screamed, "EXPLODUS!" and Mr. Gilbutt blew up.

They all continued walking to the beach, talking animatedly. Ron, Hermione, and Harry were busy telling Jill that she would have to stop her ridiculous behavior sometime or another.

Just as they stepped onto the sand of the beach, they finished their lecture and Ron said to Jill, "So, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Jill pondered a moment, then said, with complete seriousness, "Well, I guess I'll _try_ skateboarding"

Harry slapped himself in the face.

Gilderoy Lockhart ran by with a horrible sunburn, yelling, "I am a starfish!" repeatedly.

After several minutes of searching, they had found a lovely spot on the beach. But just as everyone was getting settled in, a bit of frightening music began to play. A motor could be heard in the distance, but it was getting closerand closerand closer. The music grew louder and faster. They could see a boat coming towards them with rapid speed. Now they could tell that it was a Boston Whaler. They could see the little protective sun tarp that was fixed over the head of the driver on this particularly sunny day. They could see the words on the side now, those horrible red letters. And now they could see that driver, the closest thing to Voldemort himself: The Harbormaster.

As the Harbormaster pulled up onto the beach, the entire party just sort of stared. Then Ginny let out a blood-curdling scream and Fred or George yelled, "IT'S HARBY!!!!!"

Harby got out of his stupid little boat and hopped onto the sand. As if he could smell something, he turned around suspiciously towards the water, but then waved at someone in an expensive sailboat in the distance. "Hello, Sven!" Harby yelled. Everyone looked rather shocked, but then Harby turned around again. His beady eyes were narrowed and he was sniffing eagerly, like a hunting dog searching for a rabbit.

Harby crouched low to the ground, sniffing, sniffing, sniffing, until.

"AHA!" he yelled, making everyone jump.

He shoved Harry off the towel he was sitting on, examining it further. 

"This towel," said Harby venomously, "Is 1/65,710th of an inch over the line."

"What line?" said Mr. Weasley.

"The line separating the towel area and the no-towel area, that's what line!" said Harby furiously, spitting with rage.

Mr. Weasley laughed for a moment, then realized the Harbormaster wasn't joking at all, he said, "Ahem, well, we, uh, weren't aware of this line at all, sir."

"NOT AWARE OF THE _LINE_?" he said, growing purple in the face.

"Uh, no," said Mr. Weasley.

"But every home owner within a 100 mile radius of this beach receives a manual regarding the rules of this beach when they first purchase their house!" Harby continued angrily.

Mrs. Weasley chimed in, "Yes, but our house has been in the family for over 300 years!"

"TOUGH COOKIES!" screamed the Harbormaster, taking out an ax as if he were a group of women in a graveyard trying to scare some boys on Halloween.

Suddenly there was a bright flash and a boy appeared. He was no older than thirteen, and he wore a pair of swimming trunks, as well as another pair on his head, which were turned inside-out so only the mesh could be seen.

"I don't think so!" said the boy. The Harbormaster had suddenly gone white with fear and was shivering madly.

"Who are you?" said Ron.

"I am Mesh Man!" said the boy in a deep, impressive voice, his cape of mesh flowing out behind him. "And I am here to vanquish the Harbormasteronce again!"

But by now, Harby was babbling like an idiot. He didn't need to be vanquishedhe was so frightened, he ran back into his Boston Whaler, tossed out a bunch of little packets, screamed, "I'm Sorry! Meat tenderizer for all! Does wonders for jellyfish stings!" and sped off into the distance.

Mr. Weasley began to cry and he flung himself down at Mesh Man's feet.

"Thank you, oh thank you!" he cried. 

"Just doing my duty," said the man of mesh, and he began to walk away. He met up with two blond girls a little way down the beach, one of which looked a little older than the other, but neither was older than 11.

"Look," said the older one to the younger, "I got you Sting the Beanie Baby!" But before the girl could take the blue stingray, Mesh Man snatched it away and started to cry. "It's mine! It's mine!" he wailed and ran further down the beach, cuddling the ugly little thing.

"Jay, give it back!" screamed the younger girl, starting to run after him. 

The older girl began to run as well, shouting, "You can't be in Super Lizard if you don't give that back! Your name is James, that's what mother called you, your name is James, so it's always been!"

The three silouhettes faded into the blazing sun. James stared around, confused. "Wait a minute," he said. "_My_ name is James. That's what _my_ mother called me."

"Yes, that's nice dear, care for a snog?" said Lily. 

"Ok then," said James, and they crawled off into the tall grass together.

"Ew," said Jill and Harry together, the first thing they had ever agreed on in the past two weeks.

Everyone arrived home happy, warm, and full of sun. They all decided to go to the Potters' for dinner. As Lily and Molly prepared the food, James talked with Mr. Weasley and Remus and Sirius, who had both been invited as well. Sirius was exceptionally happy that day because the plan he and James had devised earlier had worked perfectly. Sirius had volunteered to go with Cornelius Fudge for his annual Azkaban inspection (Sirius was a well-paid body guard for the top-ranking ministry officials, such as James, who was one of the world's best Aurors. Though Voldemort was gone, many of his supporters weren't and they were always acting up, and there were other dark wizards in the world trying to gain power, hence the need for Aurors.) Sirius had volunteered to do so because Peter Pettigrew, who they all hated with a fierce passion, was in Azkaban, and Sirius spent the entire time not protecting the Minister of Magic, but annoying Pettigrew by singing songs such as, "My name is Ricardo, I am a retardo, I live on the 99th floor. I sit on the steeple and spit on the people and they ask me what is my name. My name is Ricardo I am a retardo" and so on and so forth. It had driven old Wormtail ridiculously insane, though he already was quite mad to begin with.

The children (Percy included) were all in the guest room playing wolves, a game in which one person was the mother wolf and she would "born" all the baby wolves, who would be played by everyone else. The mother was usually the freak who knew everything about wolves, so naturally it was played by Hermione. The game went through the baby wolves' lives and usually ended when an older wolf that had been "borned" in another litter or the runt of the litter saved them all from a forest fire or something.

After they finished with the extensive game, they went outside and caught chipmunks under a box. Fred came up with a new way to do it; he flung a string over a tree branch and tied it to the plastic dome from the top of a birdfeeder. He then suspended the dome in the air by pulling the string until an unsuspecting chipmunk (baited by sunflower seeds) passed beneath it and was trapped as Fred let go of the rope. It was really great fun; everyone even named their own chipmunk; for example, Fred's was named Chip, and it was the smallest and cutest. Hermione's, the second smallest, was named Breadcrumbs. Ginny's was called Dale and it was the second largest, and Jill's, the fattest of them all, was called Crystal.

Eventually, their chipmunk game ended as well because they were disturbed by a skunk named Pépé le Pew and a fox name Foxie. So they all went inside and ate dinner.

Dinner was delicious and consisted solely of clam dip, Ruffles crisps, Ritz crackers, and Easy Cheese. There was not a single long fat sausage to be had at all, for I'm sure Jill would have protested.

After the delicious dinner, everyone moved into the family room for scary story time. Someone turned off all the lights and Fred could be heard from somewhere up above whispering, "Ch ch ch ch, ah ah ah ah, if you build it they will come" 

Ron screamed.

Fred, Percy, and Hermione then told a wonderfully scary story about a huge Kodiac bear that lived in the back yard, which somewhere some boy named Seth most likely believed. Throughout the story, they continually chucked down objects from the banister where the chilling tale was being told, just to enhance the plot.

Before anyone could believe it, though, it was past midnight and Jill was getting quite cranky and tired. She bit Ron in the stomach and scratched Hermione across the face before her parents could hit her with a sedating charm.

Harry bid farewell to Ron and Hermione, as well as all the other Weasleys, then said goodnight to Lupin and Sirius as they all either Apparated or disappeared into the fireplace. 

Harry went to bed feeling wonderfully full and happy, realizing that finally his life was the wonderful way he wanted it to be. He was no longer famous Harry Potter, he had the best parents in the world, the best friends, and an annoying sister to boot, which just made him all the more normal. With that thought, he picked up his muggle CD player from his bedside table and put on his favorite song, "My Life was Changed by an Apple" by The Big Apple. He was just falling asleep when his favorite part of the next track came on. "She's only 3, she's only 4, she's only 5, she's only 6, she's only 7, she's only 8, she's only 9, she's only 42!"

But he was suddenly awakened by a noise in the next room: Jill. She was breathing in loudly and with much trouble, and she was clearly crying. Harry could hear her saying, "I can't breathe!" She took in another great shuddering breath. "I want to die with my mommy!" Another breath. "I can't breathe! I wanna die with my mommy!"

Harry drifted right back into peaceful slumber.

I'm quite sorry, but I'm just about crying with laughter. This fic is for all the true McCarthys, Furzes, and Penmans at heart out there.awwww, remember the poster with all the little men on it that said can you find the two identical Penmen? And no one ever did?

Yes, well, as most of you can see, this fic was mostly based at the Cape. What? You didn't notice that? Oh well, then, it was based in Cape Cod. I really do hope you thoroughly enjoyed it, please grace me with your reviews!

AGAIN, I LOVE YOU, MY FAMILY! Hahaha, did I just say that outloud? Yes, it's true, I do suppose I love Jill and Roon in some sick and twisted way..they _are_ my cousins J . THE END, stop talking, woman, this is the end!!!!!!!!!!!

The end

The very real, real end.

Ok, maybe not, there's probably going to be another sequel after this.

The end for now.


End file.
